Being Vulnerable
‘I am Vulnerable.
A small voice within me keeps whispering in my ear, I am vulnerable. I pretend I don’t hear it, or convince myself I can create a plan that will protect me, guarantee me, insure me I’ll have control. But yet again it says compassionately, you are vulnerable. My mind gasps again as images flash before me of what might not happen for me, or worst what might happen for me in my life. My mind looks to bargain, “but what if I did this or if I just accomplish that, I can stop my fears from coming true. I can control the outcome.” This is just hard to think about, let me check Instagram once more. The voice persists, ‘you can not escape it, you are vulnerable.’ My breathing grows heavy and I feel my shoulder rise, okay maybe I should just go do my laundry or watch some Netflix. As I continue to ignore and avoid, the voice waits patiently for me, for a moment that I am quiet.
I am now sitting meditating with the soft music on. The voice awakes and deeply but lovingly repeats itself; You Are Vulnerable.
I finally wisen up and realize I can not resist this any more and engage with this thought. My heart aches as the feeling rises up allowing myself to listen to the voice and truly receive the words that; I am vulnerable?
I ask,
But what am I supposed to do about this?!
“Nothing, do nothing”
But how will I help save myself?!
“You don’t.”
I must be able to control or do something
“Just allow yourself to be vulnerable, it is the truth of what you are, a truth that needs to be accepted at this time”
I breathe in the silence. I think, okay I have to let myself be vulnerable. Like a wave it comes in, it is warm as if melting away my rigidity, melting away my lies, melting away my walls. After the wave it is as if rivers have been opened and they pour out my eyes. I am crying. I feel vulnerable.
The voice comes back,
“There you go, do you understand now?”
I take a big breath, and answer. I think I do. I say, my vulnerability is what is true, and I have been living in a lie fighting it, avoiding it, trying to protect myself from it. This lie has been making me sick. Keeping me from what is true.
I feel and connect to vulnerability a little more to understand its purpose. It became clear all of a sudden.
Vulnerability is a gift. A gift of being alive. Having control, certainty, order are not of this world. Those are false realities, they are illusions. These illusions are all created in resistance to our real truth, fear of our real truth; that we are vulnerable.
Being vulnerable is organic, it is our natural state. It is what makes life precious, the mystery of each day. The risk in each moment is real. But it is what we need to experience being ALIVE. Being vulnerable is a gift of life. A gift of uncertainty. A gift that it can all be gone in a moment or it can all be gained in a moment. This vulnerability is what makes this world wild. It is what makes this world fluid and free.
Can we embrace whatever comes as a gift of life, a gift of experience?
Can we allow ourselves to be vulnerable? Instead of lying to ourselves and trying to create a reality that is controlled, safe, and protected from our fears.
Can we instead embrace the vulnerable truth of our existence and just be in awe of the mystery.
Can we let ourselves be wild again, be in the truth of our natural form of existence, be fluid.
As these thoughts flood into my mind for a moment of embracing being vulnerable. Just one small moment with being vulnerable, I realize the lightness I feel. I notice how alive I feel to no longer be hiding in lies.
I think about the nature of water, the fluidity and vulnerability it has to change at any moment, how water is still strong enough to have a steady stream part through rock.
I realize by just letting myself feel vulnerable for a moment that it is not something I have to run from anymore. Rather it feels beautiful to be vulnerable, it feels like being a living breathing piece of art.
It feels like freedom.
Being Vulnerable, A short story by Jenn Matthes.
Practice & Play
Wishing you free,
Jenn